At ILS, we spend a great deal of our time exploring what actually enables human growth. Not surface-level growth. Real growth. The kind that changes how people make sense of the world, how they relate to complexity, and how they show up for others.
So when I read Alis Anagnostakis’ recent piece on gratitude and its emotional opposites, it struck a chord. Not because it was poetic, although it was. Not because it was earnest, although it absolutely was. It resonated because it spoke to something deeply practical that we often overlook in organisational life.
Gratitude is not a soft skill. It is a developmental one.
When Alis mentioned her “disgusting optimism”, it landed. I have had the same label thrown my way. Some interpret my optimism as simple cheerfulness.
They misunderstand it completely. My optimism is a deliberate stance based on how I evaluate situations. It helps me stay steady, grounded, and forward-moving.
My optimism is rational. It is a decision.
It is a commitment to look for what is working, for what is possible, for the humanity in people even when circumstances give you reasons to see the opposite.
This is why I resonated so much with her framing. Real gratitude is not about toxic positivity or pretending everything is fine. It is about choosing a stance that keeps you motivated to act, to improve, and to stay open.
It keeps you in motion.
One of the most important points Alis raised was the distinction between gratitude and indebtedness. This is a point that many people get fundamentally wrong, often to their detriment.
Indebtedness is transactional.
It produces anxiety, obligation, and discomfort. It narrows you.
Gratitude is relational.
It expands you.
At ILS, we see this all the time in leadership development work. When someone feels they “owe” another person, they retreat or compensate. They are managing risk. They are trying to equalise a ledger.
But when someone feels genuine gratitude, it has the opposite effect. They feel warmer, more connected. They want to deepen the relationship, not rebalance it.
What undermines gratitude most quickly is the expectation of return. The moment someone signals that their help comes with strings attached, gratitude evaporates. What remains is calculation.
And this is exactly the point that Alis’ article captures so sharply.
People are moved when they sense goodwill that is freely given.
They grow when someone sees them, supports them, or believes in them without waiting for anything back.
This part of the article spoke directly to my experience, and to many leaders we coach.
Some of us grew up believing that any act of kindness comes with an ulterior motive.
So even now, as adults, we find it difficult to accept help freely.
We feel indebted immediately.
We feel exposed.
As if being supported is somehow unsafe.
This is not something that disappears with age or success. It requires unlearning.
It requires noticing when gratitude gets mixed up with fear.
It requires practising receiving as openly as we give.
At ILS, we talk about vertical development as a process of expanding meaning-making. One of the shifts that often marks later-stage development is the ability to let go of defensive interpretations. This includes letting go of the idea that kindness is dangerous.
It is a slow, sometimes uncomfortable evolution to experience gratitude without bracing for the hidden cost. But it is transformational when it finally clicks.
Gratitude, as described by Alis, is not an emotion leaders should indulge in only during holidays or retreats. It is a capability that builds trust, collaboration, and psychological safety.
When leaders cultivate gratitude internally:
And when organisations encourage gratitude across teams, something changes.
You see less defensiveness, less zero-sum thinking, less transactional behaviour.
You see more humanity.
In complex environments, that difference is not marginal.
It is developmental.
It is strategic.
Reading Alis’ reflections on gratitude was a reminder that emotional maturity is inseparable from leadership maturity. Gratitude, handled thoughtfully, is a force that transforms how people relate to each other and to the possibilities they hold.
It certainly shapes how I lead, how we guide others at ILS, and how we continue to evolve in the work of developing humans.
Author
Fenni Choo, Marketing & Innovation Strategist of ILS
Fenni is a vibrant marketing professional known for her infectious enthusiasm and collaborative spirit. She believes that teamwork is the secret ingredient to achieving extraordinary results — whether in the boardroom or at home! When she's not creating campaigns, she's baking up a storm or navigating the joys of conscious parenting. Catch her blending creativity with a dash of sweetness!
Source Attribution:
This article is repurposed from an original piece by Alis Anagnostakis, PhD, published on Vertical Development Education. As the Vertical Development Institute’s partner, we leverage its extensive expertise in adult development and transformative learning research to advance organisational growth and development, working together towards our shared vision of creating a wiser world.