You know the feeling.
Someone's performance is slipping. A behaviour is affecting the team. You have rehearsed what to say — maybe even planned your SBI or GROW approach.
But instead of speaking up, you delay. You soften. You avoid.
Here is the paradox: We have more feedback training, frameworks, and tools than ever. Yet feedback remains one of the hardest things leaders do.
Why?
Because feedback isn't just about technique. It is about how we show up — emotionally, mentally, and relationally.
At ILS, we have trained hundreds of leaders in feedback and coaching. What we consistently observe: Leaders leave with excellent tools, but when emotions run high or stakes are real, those tools don't hold up.
And the work begins not with what you say, but with how you show up.
The truth is, even the best feedback frameworks will collapse under emotional pressure if we do not look inward.
Because giving feedback — especially the hard kind — often reveals something deeper in ourselves:
So we do what feels safest: delay the conversation, soften the message until it is unclear, tell ourselves it is not urgent, or do the task ourselves and silently resent it.
Sometimes we give feedback, but it sounds like blame. We move into "tell", "sell", or "yell" mode. Rarely do we ask, "What is their experience?"
Here is the deeper truth: Your resistance to providing feedback reveals something about you.
Until we are honest about what we are protecting — our image, our comfort, our status — we will keep avoiding the very conversations that could create growth for others (and ourselves!).
Reframe the inner narrative:
Every feedback moment is a stretch, not just for the receiver, but for the giver. It asks:
Can you:
Ever wonder why giving feedback feels so hard — even when you know exactly what to say?
It is not a matter of technique. It is one of biology.
Your brain treats social threats the same way it treats physical ones. A tough conversation with your boss activates the same alarm systems a charging lion would.
The amygdala can't tell the difference. Both trigger fight, flight, or freeze modes. The thinking brain? It goes offline. The prefrontal cortex – the part responsible for empathy, reflection, and learning – shuts down completely.
And it is not just them — it is you, too. When you feel threatened because someone got defensive, or emotions run high, your ability to stay present, empathetic, and clear also drops.
So what actually causes the brain to feel threatened during feedback?
Dr. David Rock's SCARF Model shows us exactly what is happening. Here are the five social domains both your brain and theirs are scanning all the time:
The way you deliver feedback directly determines which system will be activated.
Use "threat language", and you trigger their amygdala. Learning becomes impossible. Use "reward language", and you activate their learning system. They can hear you and grow.
This isn't about being "nice" — it is about being effective.
This is why your inner work gets hijacked: The moment someone's threat system activates, your good intentions disappear. Their defensive response triggers your threat response. Now two hijacked brains are trying to have a productive conversation.
The game-changer: Understanding that this is biology (not defiance!) changes everything.
The moment you notice threat responses — theirs or yours:
The moment you recognise threat responses, you can choose to lead with your thinking brain instead of your reactive brain.
Understanding brain science is just the beginning. The climate you create daily — through reactions, responses, energy — determines whether feedback becomes fuel for growth or a source of fear.
Harvard professor Amy Edmondson's Four Zones model shows how people respond to feedback across two dimensions:
Most teams operate in multiple zones simultaneously. The zone someone occupies isn't fixed — it is determined by the safety and drive signals you send daily.
What this means for leaders:
What creates the Anxiety Zone (without you realising it):
What keeps people stuck in the Comfort Zone:
The path to the Learning Zone requires you to:
The climate you create in small moments determines whether feedback becomes growth or threat.
Let’s recap:
Feedback feels hard, not because you lack skill, but because self-awareness is hard. When stakes are high, our brains get hijacked. And without safety, growth stalls.
It's about doing the inner work that makes all frameworks possible.
It is noticing when you have been triggered — and choosing to respond from your grounded self, not your reactive one.
It is creating the psychological safety that helps others step into growth, not fear.
Because every avoided conversation, every softened message, every moment you choose comfort over clarity — you are not just limiting their growth. You are limiting your own.
If the challenges of giving and receiving feedback in this article resonate with you, you are not alone. At ILS, our half-day growth-oriented and effective feedback programme, has helped many organisations transform their feedback culture. This practical and reflective approach workshop focuses on building awareness and understanding through thoughtful activities and discussions rather than hands-on exercises. It emphasises the emotional and inner work needed to foster psychological safety, equipping leaders and teams to give and receive feedback that truly fuels growth. If you would like to explore how ILS can help unlock your organisation’s potential through better feedback, please do not hesitate to get in touch to find out more.
Written by:
Linda Tan-Spicer, Lead Development Strategist of ILS
Linda is a seasoned performance strategist with over 20 years of experience helping organisations and individuals thrive. Specialising in mindset work and behavioural change, she creates environments where people can discover their strengths, embrace their potential, and grow in meaningful ways.
Believing in the ripple effect of personal growth, Linda sees every step toward self-improvement as a benefit to teams, organisations, and society. At her core, she’s a coach and facilitator who walks alongside others on their journey to unlock potential, navigate challenges, and cultivate a fulfilling life.